you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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