it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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