I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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