God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
