Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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