My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
