I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
