dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
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