put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Who died my cat blue again?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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