we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
