How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize