Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
