I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
