I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Houston, we have a blender
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
