i just wanna soil my oats bro
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
It's official drugs can't kill me
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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