my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
