Don't make out with my wife yet
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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