There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
When did angry sex become our thing?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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