There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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