i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I haven't been this sober since birth.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
