a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
