Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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