My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
