Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I need a burrito and a hug.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
