Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
