FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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