I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
