That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
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