Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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