Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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