when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
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