Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
