I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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