I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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