and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
