I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
