Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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