I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
