maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
