So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
