Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
