the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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