Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
