This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Randomize
