i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Randomize
