i can't believe i had my finger in that
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
