I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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