when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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