finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Boobs are out for the taking
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
