she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
