$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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