u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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