Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
