here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
