listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
