is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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