remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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