We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
