Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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