You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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